1. Go get your bags. 2. Find an MTA card kiosk (to the left if you’re staring at baggage claim, at the end of the hallway) or one of those over-priced nuts news stands. In any case, buy an unlimited 7-day metrocard, which I think is 30$. 3. Go outside of the airport. It probably smells weird. Ignore all the people who will ask you if you need a cab. Their promises of swift arrival sound sweet and enticing, but in the end all you’ll be left with is a 40$ bill. 4. Ask someone where to get the Q33 bus OR Q47 bus to Jackson Heights, it doesn’t matter but the Q33 is generally faster (It should be just outside, and they come pretty often). Go get in line and wait for your probably angry bus driver to arrive. Metrocards are deceiving and although they look simple enough to use, I’ve seen and experienced many turnstile panics and have never seen anyone do it right the first time. Don’t know why, because the instructions are even on the card! I think it has something to do with trying to rush as much as the cruel people around you are, and your fidgeting fingers after someone behind you says “come the fuck on!” 5. Once you get on the bus you’ll have to pay your fare. Either watch the people in front of you do it, anxiously memorizing their every step and awaiting your turn OR simply stick your card in the slot with the front facing you, the black bar on the right, and the cut off corner in the top left. Once you get up there, you’ll probably fuck up anyways and feel pressured because the driver and all the people behind you are watching impatiently, and you’ll have all this bulky luggage to just make it worse. I’m only trying to prepare you for the worst, and be overly dramatic. Nobody talks, nobody smiles, nobody farts on the bus. Don’t break that code. Also, the buses are harder to navigate than the train because there aren’t any maps and more often than not, the driver won’t announce the stops or where you are. You’re just expected to know when to get off, when to request your stop, and your exact location all by looking out of those often body heat fogged windows. 6. Sit near the front if you can because it’s easier to talk to the driver if you need to and see where you are (I don’t know if that matters to you? No.) The last stop, and probably the stop where most of the people get off, will be the Jackson Heights train station. 7. Carry your ass and bags through the train station. Sucks. Go through the same turmoil of swiping your card to enter; this time, it’s just more intense. The person in the booth may take pity on you and open the emergency exit door so that it’s easier for you to get in with your bags. Just ask. 8. Take either the Jamaica Center bound E train OR the Jamaica bound F train; it doesn’t matter because either way the stop you’ll be getting off at is Forest Hills. It’ll be the first stop once you actually get on the train. BE SURE NOT TO TAKE the Manhattan/World Trade Center bound E train or the Manhattan/Brooklyn bound F train. Remember that you won’t have any cell phone service once you’re underground so if you need to call or text anyone (me) before you have your Hardy Boys Train Adventure, do it after you get off the bus or before you walk down. 9. Get off at Forest Hills; again, it’ll be the first stop on your train. The station is pretty large with 4 different exits. You should exit through the stairs with the sign that says 71st ave and Queens Blvd, Q60 and Q64 buses. 10. You need to take the Q64 bus, and luckily the stop is right outside of the train exit. There might already be a line of people waiting, or if you’re lucky the bus itself could be there. The stop for the Q60 is also right outside, so make sure that’s not the line you’re in or the bus you take. If you’re facing T-Bone Diner across the street, the Q64 stop is the one on the right, nearest the pay phones. If you want to make sure you’re on the right bus, ask the driver if it’s the Eclechester bound Q64. 11. More of the same getting on-paying your fare-riding-not talking junk. This time though, knowing where you need to get off is harder. Definitely sit near the front so you can tell the driver where you’re going and he can tell you if you’re getting off at the right spot. Remember that they don’t usually announce the stops. Once you’re on the bus it could be stop 2 or 6 or whatever, it all depends on the amount of stops requested. You’ll be riding down Jewel Avenue, and pass over what looks like a big interstate, and then a bunch of ugly houses that are all glued together and look the same. You’ll pass a group of these houses called Hyde Park on your left, keep going. Then, you’ll pass The Pizza Professor on your left and a wine bottle shaped liquor store on your right, at the cross streets of Main St. and Jewel Ave- THIS IS CRUCIAL! 12. After passing the bustling Pizza Professor crossroads, be on the lookout for a neighborhood sign that says Georgetown Mews up the street on your left. REQUEST A STOP IMMEDIATELY! You’ll get off at 150th St. and Jewel Ave., quickly, before they forget you didn’t get off and keep driving. 13. Walk down 150th street, through the rows of houses and away from the elementary school. I’ll be at the end of the road waiting for you at the gates.